Broke as a joke
Have you ever been so broke that you couldn't afford to pay attention? So broke that opening the refrigerator depresses you whenever you look inside of it? So broke that when the kids have a glass of milk you intentionally give them a little less than normal because you know that when the milk is gone, it is gone and will stay that way for a while? Yep, we are that broke.
This is not something new. I come from a long line of broke folks that have been used to be broke. In fact, it is almost at the point where my family line could say "we have been here before, what's new?". But I was thinking today, as I sat depressed at the fact that I have not done enough to out-earn our spending, that I really need to put a stop to this. I need to earn more. Well, at least that is one potential solution.
I am of the mind that there are two and only two reasons for someone not having any money. Either you don't earn enough or you don't use what you have wisely. Either way, at the end of the day, you will be broke. But I am also of the mind that broke is more a state of mind than a financial position. I mean, not earning enough can be rectified with a number of different solutions, from getting a new job to increasing your knowledge to make yourself more marketable to going into business for yourself to God knows what else. But not using what you have wisely, well that goes straight to your character.
God gives each one of us a measure of responsibility and observes us to see how we steward that responsibility. If we show that we can be accountable in the little things then we are tasked with being responsible for increasingly greater things. This is where I think people get crossed up the most. I think people have a tendency to get frustrated with their position and, not knowing that they are to be responsible in a responsible way, see their position not changing and decide to drive themselves deeper into the position.
That is where I am right now
I think I am at that place of frustration right now. I am so totally and completely fed up with having nothing that everything in my being makes me want to get up, get out and earn. That is a dangerous place for someone that spends a lot of time at work as it is now. But to me it makes sense.
Today, after selling some stuff on eBay, I had to ship them. I looked for boxes to ship four different items in and found nothing. Knowing that I didn't have enough money to go to the store and buy four boxes really put me in a funk. Later on finding out that we are on our last half gallon of milk put me into a deeper funk. Or that my wife used the last of my cash for groceries and I will need gas before my next payday, also put me into a funk.
Keep in mind that I am not spilling this because I want sympothy or pity. I am well aware that I have caused this will my inability to earn a proportionate amount to cover the lifestyle of my family (or I spend wildly, which I don't think I do and would be for another post at some other time anyway 
). I am merely speaking out of frustration.
I want so bad to have the lifestyle that God envisioned for my family. A lifestyle of provision without lack. A lifestyle of carefree reliance upon Him. And I know that sounds storybook-ish, and that everybody goes through something at some point. But I have already gone through this. And for some reason it seems like I want to put myself through it all over again. There is no way that a guy that earns what I earn should ever not have any money in savings, no money in checking, no money on his credit cards at the same time as having nothing to show for it. That is what frustrates me the most. The provision God has provided should be enough. And it isn't. And it isn't because of Him.
It will get better
It always gets better. God never brings to something without the desire to bring you through it. I am a firm believer in that. Of course, I also believe that God will let you simmer in ignorance until the time you acknowledge him with your character and lifestyle. So I supposed there is some acknowledgments that needs to take place. God knows I need it. I really don't want to be in this depression any longer
