One man’s voice Thoughts, rants and commentary from a husband, father of five and professional web geek

Should I feel the way I do?

Today something sort of weird happened and it got me thinking a lot. I try not to think too much since I am not very good at it and it usually leads to all sorts of unpredictable behavior both in me and those that I share my thoughts with.

While driving around with my family today I made a statement to the effect of "I like it most when singers sing as they talk, not trying to force out the song or making it higher pitched than it needs to be". What I was saying is that some singers sing in a way that it sound as though they are not trying to sing but instead are just speaking to a harmony.

This statement was enough to make my wife ask me the question: "That is called alto. So you don't like the way I sing?". My response to that question was: "What?!?!?!".

Seriously, I failed then (and still do) to see how I said anything at all about my wife's singing. Or any other person's singing for that matter. She told me since that I mentioned a preference of mine and her singing was not exactly in what I said I prefer that I must not like her singing. This confused me greatly.

What exacerbated the episode was that I was told that since I hurt her feelings with what I said that I should apologize for saying it. That confused me even more. Why would anyone ever have to apologize for an opinion.

I really do not like garbanzo beans. They are, in my opinion, seeds of Satan's garden. Does that mean that if you eat, like or cook food with garbanzo beans that I am somehow at odds with you or that I do not prefer you or the food you eat, like or cook? Uh, no.

My opinions are mine. Yours are yours. What you believe, feel or prefer has absolutely no bearing on me at all (unless I am missing something here) even if they are directed straight at me. Honestly, am I responsible for taking ownership of your thoughts, beliefs and/or feelings? No. I do not have to take anything that you tell me personally at all. What I choose to be offended by or hurt by is all on me, not you.

This being what it is, I must say that even though what I said was the fruit of my own opinions it still hurt my wife. And while I will not apologize for my opinions or feelings, I will say that I am sorry that what I said had the negative impact it did. The reality of it is that I cannot control anyone else's feelings. I can also not apologize for them.

But I can show sympathy for the feelings that someone might conjure up. That does not mean that I will feel responsible for making anyone feel that way or that I will feel guilty for the feelings that my own opinions may have caused someone. Like I said before, my opinions are mine and yours are yours.

I will not be hurt by your opinions. Or if I am, perhaps I need to take a look at my own attitudes to see why I would be hurt by a preference or opinion of yours. Or maybe I am being immature and stubborn.

Whatever the case, I will continue to believe that I feel the way I do because I choose to feel that way. You do not control me nor does anyone control me. If I am my own person with my own free will then it is that same free will that leads me to have the feelings, opinions, beliefs and preferences that I have. Same goes for everyone else.

So before I let myself get upset over something, I really need to ask myself is it the person, their attitude or me that is at the root of the feelings I am having? And since these feelings are mine (and my feelings are all mine), do I really need to feel this way at all?