Saying goodbye to Peanut
This afternoon we laid Sarah's mouse Peanut to rest. As is the case with our popular house pets of the rodent variety, she was buried in an undisclosed location on her property.
This funeral was a bit different from Cupcake's funeral that we had, oh, say five years ago or so. I am not sure why. Maybe it was because Sarah is older now and has a more firm grasp on what death is all about and the finality associated with it. Maybe it is because Peanut was around us for so much longer that Cupcake was (a year as opposed to a few months).
Or maybe it was because Sarah developed a deep sense of love for this creature that ultimately became one of her best friends. Who knows. The point is, Sarah was much sadder at this funeral than the last one.
Oddly, Sandi was about as emotional at this funeral as she was at Cupcake's. Cupcake's passing was devastating for Sandi. Peanut's was no less devastating. As hard as this was for me to assimilate, I carried on and made sure the entire process was respectful and dignified.
I think the important thing in all of this is that my two oldest children, Sarah and Rebekah, are now at an age when death actually is something understandable to them. Which means that Sandi and I have the responsibility of making sure they are prepared for handling loss. It is something that unfortunately I have had entirely too much experience with and Sandi has had precious little experience with.
Not that either situation of ours is relevant since really the subject of my concern is my kids. It is my prayer that though they will experience loss in proper context they will understand the place death has in life. No one escapes it. We are all bound to experience it. And it is something that every person needs to comes to grips with at some point.
In my opinion I find that the earlier a person learns it (early as in at a proper age to understand it) the better off they will be as they mature.
But I digress. The funeral was very well done. Sarah decorated a beautiful coffin for Peanut and we had a great little family ceremony for her.
After it was over Mom and Sarah stayed out back for a bit and cried and hugged and talked.
Then, as it always does, life went on.
Harder than I thought
Ok, today was way harder than I thought it would be in more ways than one.
First off Sandi did not sleep at all last night. She was distraught and depressed at Peanut's death. She went to bed early this morning, woke up a little while later then went back to sleep. Uh, no. She was not going to church.
Sarah woke up depressed still. She wasn't sure if she would be able to make it through church without breaking down so she decided to stay home with mom.
That meant that it was up to me to get the rest of the kids ready for church this morning. This is not all that unusual since very often I take the kids to church by myself. But this morning had bigger challenges (that I will not into right now) which resulted in me being later than we usually are in getting out of the house. Fair enough. I am, after all, just one man.
We hit up church in a rather uneventful manner, as is usually the case. It went swimmingly, as is usually the case. We got out on time, as is usually the case.
After church we had to hit up Target to get a gift for a birthday party of one of my daughters' friends. That went fairly well. Of course, it was just me and the four youngest children, and they were hungry and tired and wanted to go home to see mom and Sarah. But still it went well.
Then we got home and had to speedily get ready for the swim party. Sandi wanted to go for that drive so we all piled into the car and took off. After dropping the kids we headed home for rest after which Sandi went with us again to pick Sarah and Bekah up.
After the party Sandi asked me to take Sarah to Michael's to look for a box to bury Peanut in. We found one, but it was late enough in the day that we will have to wait until tomorrow to bury Peanut.
Of course the nice bit of all this is that Sarah had time to really put into the box design what she really wanted to. And I was left with enough time to actually get something done around the house.
Which is where the hard part of all of this comes in for me. Because now I am freaking exhausted. And I still have to go to work tomorrow.
Not sure how I will manage all that. For now, I really just want to sleep. Goodnight.
A time for mourning
Today was a rough day for the Gonzalez family. Primarily for Sarah and Sandi, but everyone in the house felt a little something I am sure.
For the last few days Sarah's mouse Peanut has been looking increasingly sicker. Sarah took her to the vet about a week ago and found out that she had an abscess in her mouth and a mite problem on her fur. She was not eating and because of that her teeth had overgrown to the point where she could now no longer eat.
The vet filed down her teeth for her and prescribed some antibiotic for her mouth.
Last night we noticed that Peanut looked very weak. She didn't seem to want to move. She seemed very listless. She seemed tired. As I held her I noticed that she really just wanted to be right where she was and that was about all she wanted.
Given her condition we felt it was time to go back to the vet so we made an appointment for this morning.
Not a good morning
Sandi took Sarah and Peanut to the vet this morning. Sandi has not been doing that well herself and the added stress of Peanut being sick I think was enough to exacerbate her situation. In hindsight I should never have let her leave the house this morning.
Around 11:00 this morning I got a scream-a-gram from Rebekah telling me that Poppa would be dropping mom off and I would need to take him back to the vet to get his truck. This was the beginning of the stress for today.
What ended up happening is that Peanut died while at the Vet. There is a story in this but I don't want to delve into that too much. For now the important thing to know is that one of Sarah's "children" passed away.
Shortly after that Sandi began to have an emotional reaction of sorts and was no longer able to walk, stand or drive. Sarah was in bad shape emotionally as well. This left Sandi with one option: call for help.
Sandi's dad dropped Sarah and Sandi off a short while later. When they got home Sarah was absolutely devastated. Sandi was completely broken down. In a very tearful voice Sarah communicated that Peanut had died. Immediately Alaynah began to cry. The house was sad.
A home full of mournful people
Needless to say our house was a wreck today. Sandi was basically back in the same place she was in late November. Sarah was very depressed and had a lot of questions which she naturally needed to ask mom. The other kids were pretty sad as well. The day just seemed to get harder all around.
As you can imagine things here a bit sensitive at the moment. As I write this the house is very somber. Sarah is very depressed. Sandi is beginning another bout with depression. The kids miss their mouse. Sarah misses her Peanut.
I am not sure what is going to come of this. I know that Sandi wants to have a funeral for Peanut. But rather than bury her she wants to allow Sarah a chance to make a coffin for her complete with decorations and the what not.
Whatever the case may be I can say that things are going to be amiss at the Gonzalez house for a while. But I guess that is to be expected.
Learning there is more to learn
After a very humbling experience the other I have decided that there is going to be more learning needed in my programming life. Learning is how I got to where I am today, and the only way for me to advance as a programmer is to continue to learn.
To that end I am now going to be moving head long into learning:
- Unit testing (seriously, this should have been handled years ago)
- Scaling
- Internals (Apache, PHP and MySQL)
- Logic (a programmer's logic, not just scripting)
- Architecture
- Design Patterns (and more patterns)
I am starting with Unit Testing because that should be something that all programmer's do. Period.
The rest are things that top tier web programmers should know.
Plain and simple, I do not have the knowledge to call myself a programmer. At least I don't feel that I do.
But I will. Very soon
So let the learning begin!
Telling (some of) the truth
A few nights ago I came into the house to the sound of crying, whining and squealing. Not certain of just what I would find, curiosity got the better of me and I sought out the source of this noise.
I found Annah in the bathroom. Crying. After asking around about what happened it came out that she was scared because the bottom fascia board of the vanity in the bathroom had been broken and she thought she was going to get in trouble.
I asked her how it got broken and she told me Bekah broke it. So I asked Bekah how it got broken and she said that Annah had punched a cup of water out of her hand spilling the water on the bathroom floor causing her to slip and fall and subsequently break the vanity fascia board.
After sending both girls to bed (in order to sort this out, not as punishment) I went to talk to Annah. I reaffirmed my distaste for physical confrontation when things don't go her way and asked why she took it upon herself to smack a cup of water out of her sisters hand.
She told me that Bekah was spitting water at her through a small tube and that even though she had screamed at her sister to stop, Bekah continued to spit water at her so she had no choice but to smack the cup of water out of her hand.
I asked Annah if she knew why Bekah was spitting water at her and she told me that her sister has done that because Annah had spit at her first. So I asked the next logical question: "Why were you spitting at Bekah?"
I found out that Annah was spitting water at Bekah because Bekah had been kicking her. I reiterated to Annah the need for her to A) not scream and yell instructions at her siblings , and B) tell me or mom when things need help. I then went to talk to Bekah.
Bekah told me pretty much everything that Annah told me. Except the part about kicking her. When I asked if she had done that Bekah told be she had. When I asked why she didn't tell me she replied "I must have forgotten.". Forgotten? Okay...
I asked Bekah why she was kicking her sister and she told me that Mom had asked them to separate laundry and that Annah had decided that she was not going to do it. Bekah told her to do it (no, she didn't ask, she commanded her) and Annah didn't respond. So Bekah kicked her.
Bekah told me that Annah left the room and came back with a small tube which she used to spit water at Bekah. Bekah yelled at Annah to stop (no, she didn't ask her) but Annah didn't. Annah then ran to the bathroom to reload while Bekah ran into the bathroom, snatched the tube from Annah and spit and Annah.
Annah commanded Bekah to stop and Bekah, wanting to make sure she completely demoralized her sister before stopping, began to fill up a cup of water to use as a reservoir so as to maximize the amount of water she could spit at her sister. Annah, having seen the cup get filled, decided enough was enough and punched the cup out of Bekah's hand causing it to spill on the floor causing Bekah to slip causing Bekah to fall causing Bekah's foot to hit the fascia board and break it.
Naturally, according to Bekah this was all Annah's fault. And according to Annah, it was all Bekah's fault.
To set their records straight I told them it was both of their faults. Neither should have taken the actions they did. Neither should ever command anyone to do anything, especially their siblings, but should instead say please. And neither should have taken matters into their own hands.
Indeed I felt good about the way this all went down. Well, at least about how it ended up working out.
All in all it was a somewhat peaceful time of questioning, finding our more about my kids and trying to teach them how to interact with people on a daily basis, especially family. I managed to not blow my top. I managed to keep the situation calm. I managed to get to the bottom of things while at the same time fostering an air of honesty and trust with my children.
I would say it was a decent experience. Except the part about telling me only the things relevant to getting your sibling hung for your crime. I am still trying to work that one out. But I guess kids learn this no matter what.
As long as they are honest with me and continue to tell me (most of) the truth.
Having a little dad and daughter time
If you have kids you know the importance of allowing your children the chance to have some one-on-one time with you. We all need time like that.
Last night I took my 12 year old daughter, Sarah, out to dinner and dessert. We chitchatted, ate, laughed... generally we had a good time.
I learned some things about my daughter last night as a result of our time.
I learned that she wants more time with her friends (without her sisters around). She actually talks with her friends about things most normal kids talks about with their friends (but that they would never, EVER talk about with mom and dad). I learned she has a great sense of humor (though I already knew that) and a flair for the disgusting (kinda like I do).
I also learned that Sarah trusts me. Enough to be open with me about something that most kids would probably be raked over the coals for (you now what I am talking about Sarah so there is no need to go into that here 
) and that even though there is a chance that she could have gotten in trouble for it, she still felt comfortable enough with me to bring it to my attention.
We laughed. We talked. We grew closer together.
I feel so fatherly now. Well, I did before our night out, but now I feel more so.
I am now planning my nights out with my other daughters. My next evening will be with Rebekah. I am sure she will love that. She has been asking for time together for a while now. And knowing her, we will probably hit the park to smack the baseball around a little bit before going any place else.
And I can already tell you that Adriannah will be wanting to hit up Starbucks and the book store when we go out. That is like her favorite.
Until then I will be relishing in the joy I have that my children still want to spend time with me and that I can still spend time with them. I like having the ability to spend time with my kids. We both need that I think.
Humble yourself or be ye humbled
Over the last few days I have had the fortune of speaking with several programmers that work deep in the heart of the social networking workspace. These guys are literally in the heat of the happenings every day and are working on some of the coolest problems, technologies and concepts on the web.
And they are absolutely brilliant.
It started out with a high level conversation of my thoughts on PHP and my approach to certain aspects of application development. This conversation, with a fellow named David from New York, was unlike any conversation I have had before on the topic of PHP application development. It was refreshing and intimidating and exciting all at once. David was pretty rad.
Then today I was able to talk with Tim, Jon, Andre and Jeff (please God in heaven tell me this was his name) and I have to tell you, I was blown completely out of the water by their level of knowledge of the subject of programming.
How's your mind? Blown?
For the first time ever in my life I had the opportunity to talk to programming with some folks that live the life daily. These guys are absolutely passionate about what they do and how they do it. They know their stuff and they do not mince their expectation of what a programmer should know.
Quick sidebar: This morning, when I woke up, I thought of myself as a pretty decent PHP programmer. As of tonight I think I would say I am more of a PHP developer.
Why do I say this? Well, for one thing, I was not able to hold my end of the conversation very well at all when it came to some of the more technical aspects of programming in PHP. Simple things that I take for granted every day were brought up in this conversation (rather asked of me how I would do it) and I was not able to think very quickly at all about how I would do these things.
I'll spare you the details of what we talked about, but the sad fact is that when we were done talking I felt like a first month PHP script kiddie that just realized there is a whole universe of capability out there inside this language. Except I now feel this way about programming, web development, servers, HTTP, databases and UI.
Things I thought I knew (and regrettable have even included on my resume) I do not know (or at least I think I may not now). I have never given any consideration as to what the internals of the MySQL server are doing when a certain type of query is being executed. I could not for the life of me recall the major differences between the MyISAM and InnoDB storage engines.
I could not recall how I would go about fixing corrupt data sets programmatically rather than manually manipulating data post facto.
I could not think of how to set up a simple unit test. WHAT THE CARP? How do I not remember how to do that?!?!?!?!
Seriously, after today I felt so NOT like a programmer. I love PHP and development of applications, but tonight I think I am no longer thinking of myself as a professional PHP programmer so much as I am thinking of myself as a work in progress.
There is a lot I need to learn about programming I believe. Not language specific stuff, but the technical stuff that is wrapped around loads, bandwidth, corruption, security, paradigm shifts and the entirety of programming as a whole.
I am humbled. The guys I met today proved to me that I am not near the level I thought I was when it comes to programming. I can develop with the best of them. But programming, well, that is something that I need to start taking a sharper, closer look at.
To David, Tim, Jon, Andre and Jeff, thanks guys. I learned a lot from you today. I do hope one day we might be able to converse again. If for nothing else then so I can see how much more there is to know about things I thought I knew but know now I know very little about.
Shaving a rabid monkey
Corey Gaudin posted a quote on Twitter that, in my opinion, sums up the feelings of many a developer that has had to put their hands onto legacy code:
Fixing old code, that someone else wrote, is like trying to shave a rabid monkey while being handcuffed and blindfolded
Amen to that brother. I couldn't have said it any better myself (hence the posting of your quote in my blog).
Living large, but a little less so
I am not sure how to break this to you, so I am just going to do it quickly, like pulling a band-aid off.
I am fat.
There. I said it.
A few weeks ago I went to the doctor because I thought I was at risk of heart disease. What transpired there was essentially my doctor diagnosing with a condition known in the medical realm as "being a fat ass".
I was also diagnosed with slightly higher than normal blood pressure which my doctor attributed to a high salt intake. All in all, the doctor told me that I need to cutback on my sodium and that I needed to lose weight.
It was then that my wife and I went into action. We both started looking for low sodium, low fat and lower calorie foods for me. And we managed to do something good.
When I was at the doctor four weeks ago I weighed in that morning at just over 320 pounds. That's right, you heard. That is "Fat Ass and None of your Business" pounds.
This morning I weight myself and, after a harrowing weekend of eating crapola on a platter of more crapola, I was 306.5. Not bad, eh?
I have actually noticed a change in my clothes, my belt and overall feeling. I feel a lot better about me.
Yes, I am still fat. But not as fat.
And that makes me happy.
Now if I could only figure out how I am going to be working a work out routine into this mix I would be golden. But I think the baby steps I am taking now are working out fairly well.
We'll see a little better how well in a few weeks when I head back to the doctor.
Should I feel the way I do?
Today something sort of weird happened and it got me thinking a lot. I try not to think too much since I am not very good at it and it usually leads to all sorts of unpredictable behavior both in me and those that I share my thoughts with.
While driving around with my family today I made a statement to the effect of "I like it most when singers sing as they talk, not trying to force out the song or making it higher pitched than it needs to be". What I was saying is that some singers sing in a way that it sound as though they are not trying to sing but instead are just speaking to a harmony.
This statement was enough to make my wife ask me the question: "That is called alto. So you don't like the way I sing?". My response to that question was: "What?!?!?!".
Seriously, I failed then (and still do) to see how I said anything at all about my wife's singing. Or any other person's singing for that matter. She told me since that I mentioned a preference of mine and her singing was not exactly in what I said I prefer that I must not like her singing. This confused me greatly.
What exacerbated the episode was that I was told that since I hurt her feelings with what I said that I should apologize for saying it. That confused me even more. Why would anyone ever have to apologize for an opinion.
I really do not like garbanzo beans. They are, in my opinion, seeds of Satan's garden. Does that mean that if you eat, like or cook food with garbanzo beans that I am somehow at odds with you or that I do not prefer you or the food you eat, like or cook? Uh, no.
My opinions are mine. Yours are yours. What you believe, feel or prefer has absolutely no bearing on me at all (unless I am missing something here) even if they are directed straight at me. Honestly, am I responsible for taking ownership of your thoughts, beliefs and/or feelings? No. I do not have to take anything that you tell me personally at all. What I choose to be offended by or hurt by is all on me, not you.
This being what it is, I must say that even though what I said was the fruit of my own opinions it still hurt my wife. And while I will not apologize for my opinions or feelings, I will say that I am sorry that what I said had the negative impact it did. The reality of it is that I cannot control anyone else's feelings. I can also not apologize for them.
But I can show sympathy for the feelings that someone might conjure up. That does not mean that I will feel responsible for making anyone feel that way or that I will feel guilty for the feelings that my own opinions may have caused someone. Like I said before, my opinions are mine and yours are yours.
I will not be hurt by your opinions. Or if I am, perhaps I need to take a look at my own attitudes to see why I would be hurt by a preference or opinion of yours. Or maybe I am being immature and stubborn.
Whatever the case, I will continue to believe that I feel the way I do because I choose to feel that way. You do not control me nor does anyone control me. If I am my own person with my own free will then it is that same free will that leads me to have the feelings, opinions, beliefs and preferences that I have. Same goes for everyone else.
So before I let myself get upset over something, I really need to ask myself is it the person, their attitude or me that is at the root of the feelings I am having? And since these feelings are mine (and my feelings are all mine), do I really need to feel this way at all?
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