I have made my bed, now I sleep in it – alone
I just woke up a few minutes ago. I had wildly disturbing dreams last night that, while not scary, were enough to wake me up with a 
on my face. As I woke up I realized that when I have trouble sleeping I love to roll over and cuddle with my wife. There is something about knowing she is there next to me that really supports who I am as a man. It is like having my support team, all wrapped up in that delicious package known as femininity, standing beside ready to stand shoulder to shoulder to take on whatever may come up.
Being alone sucks. Whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual loneliness it sucks. It is contrary to who we are as people because people are not meant to be alone. God Himself said this in Genesis 3:18:
And the LORD God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."
I think this holds true for women as well. Which is where I tend to think that most trouble in relationship stems from. Men, on the whole, are not nearly as much into the emotional aspect of relationship as women are. Women, on the other hand, are not nearly as much into the physical aspect of relationship that men are. What can and often does end up happening is men and women pursue and give of their own need and totally miss the mark of their spouse's needs.
I am a perfect example of that. You can ask my wife on any day of the week if I am emotionally absent and she will loudly tell you yes. This is actually a huge area of discord for us because my wife is very needy (her words, not mine) emotionally and she expects a certain level of attentiveness from me and a certain amount of work in developing our emotional connection in our relationship.
Which probably explains why I sleep alone and have for more than five years. I have a strong longing for physical connection with my wife. I love to touch her. I love to feel her hair in my hands or the softness of her face in my neck. I love to rub her back and hold her hand. The few times she has done it I have loved when she sat in my lap. I love being physically close to my wife.
Unfortunately over time this has led to the outward appearance that I want my wife solely for the physical pleasure I can take from her. And while I love sex there is nothing quite like the nonsexual intimacy shared between a man and woman to make a man feel, well, manly. I love feeling like a "man and his bride". It almost personifies the marriage relationship. But somewhere along the line this entire side of my feelings was lost in translation and now basically says "You sat next to me on the couch or you held my hand so that means you want to have sex with me right now.".
Which I believe is what has led me to all the nights of owning both sides of my bed. I like to sleep close to my wife. If physical closeness is always related to sexual intentions then I would guess that leaves me as a wanton sexaholic that is using the bedroom as my breeding ground for sexual demands and deviance. All I want is some physical intimacy (not to be read as sex - I do want that too, but I am talking about intimacy without necessarily the act of sex). Actually, this is a need of mine, not a want. I need physical intimacy like my wife needs emotional intimacy.
So while she hungers I hunger. Together we are like two different ends of the same stick that are forever the same distance away from the center. It seems neither of us is able to bend much so I keep being emotionally absent, selfish and ungiving/uncaring while she keeps staying up to the wee hours of the morning and falling asleep on the couch.
Somewhere in this there is a lesson to learn. I have been trying to find that lesson the last five years. Hopefully soon I will figure it out so I can go about being married at home as much as I am in public. Man was not meant to be alone. Though at the moment I would bet that both my wife and I would tell you it feels like we were both destined to be.
