One man's voice Thoughts, rants and commentary of a simple man

9Feb/094

Boobs: What’s the big deal?

NOTICE: This post has been removed. This page is here only as a place holder to prevent old inbound links from breaking.

The content in the original post was posted without my exercising good judgment and sensitivity and as a result needed to be taken down. I have chosen to leave some of the better portions of that post up, however. At least better in a way that I would think are better.

Man tip: It should go without saying that any time you are faced with the issue of a wife telling you she is feeling insecure about herself in any way that you reassure her that she is more than adequate in every way.

Man tip: If your wife does something that in any way speaks to any part of who you are as a man, tell her. She needs to hear it.

Man tip: Your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Always. This is never a question as much as it is an affirmation.

27Jan/091

Seeing it and doing it are two different things

A couple of days ago I wrote about a profound comment Sarah made and the impact it had on me. Since then I have been thinking that if I see something that needs to be handled and I can handle it then I should handle it. See it, do it.

It's a simple concept really. Walking through the hallway, see a food wrapper of some sort just sitting there, stop and pick it up and put it in the trash. Really, it isn't that hard.

So I figured I'd adopt that principle today and as I got home I noticed a few things that could be handled. First off, the garbage bins were still on the curb from yesterday. That is easily overlooked and I figured that really no one else in my family could see the three and a half foot tall, two foot by two foot square carts with wheels on them and smelling really bad in the front of the house for the past 24 hours, so I put them away.

As I put them away I noticed that both of the passenger side doors on our Suburban were open. Knowing how difficult it is to see two car doors open I decided that I would just handle it and close the doors, checking first to make sure nothing was stolen from it and the the lights and everything on it worked properly.

I came in the house, loved on the wife and kids for a few minutes then went in my room to change. I noticed that my little shelf in my room with my router, printer and modem on it was kind disheveled and while I thought that maybe Sandi was in the middle of something, I thought it might be a good idea to put everything back the way it was when I left. Not to mention that in order to have a place on my bed to fold the laundry that sat in my room since yesterday I would need to take care of it. So I handled putting the pieces back from whatever pulled all my electronics out.

Then I folded laundry because it was there. All night. And all day. And if you see it you should do it. But since it is difficult to see a hamper full of laundry sitting right in front of a TV it makes sense that it would not be done. But since I happened up on it, I did it. And I did the other laundry that had been sitting in the dryer since yesterday, too. And I moved laundry down and started a new load because if you see it you should do it. And I saw a mountain that needed to be done.

After removing some trash and a coffee cup from my bedroom and taking them to the kitchen I noticed that there was a large stack of dishes sitting in the sink. Well, not large enough for anyone to see during the day time. But just large enough for a guy that just got home to see. And since I saw it, I did it. I put away what was already clean and dry, washed the rest, dried many and put those away too.

And while I was seeing and doing things I realized that I forgot to look for something that I should have looked for when say hi to the kids. Did my kids do their homework today? For Sarah, the answer was no. So seeing that she needed to get some homework done, since that is only visible after 8:00 PM, I had her start it.

Then I was finally able to sit down, take a breathe and start working for myself.

See it. Do it. Got to bed.

19Jan/092

In honor of Dr. King – Marching ahead in difficult times

Few men have had the ability to capture the attention of the nation like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. His natural ability to speak to men of all races and religions in a way that was relevant to the moment still has not been matched to this day. He used peace, knowledge, unity and the spoken word to reach out to and influence millions of people in the 50's and 60's.

He led the struggle for equality and freedom for black men and women with dignity, grace, strength and courage and he did it in a peaceful way. He embodied the essence of manliness, leadership, Christianity and selflessness throughout his time fighting against racial injustice. He was what all men should aspire to be.

In honor of Dr. King's birthday I felt it appropriate to offer up two of the most memorable speeches he gave. The first, which is arguably my favorite of his speeches, was given the night before he was assassinated. You can tell by the words he spoke and the look on his face that he knew something was going to be going down soon. He knew that his life was in danger. Yet he did what he did. He did not waiver, he did not cower. He led. Up until his death he led.

I pray that all men would be able to have the fortitude and courage that Dr. King exudes in this clip. The text of the speech follows the video:

We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now. Because I’ve been to the mountain top. And I don’t mind.

Like anybody I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will.

And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over and I’ve seen the promise land.

I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promise land.

So I’m happy tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

The next speech is possibly the most famous of speeches he ever gave. One that has been quoted in pieces since the day it was given, August 28, 1963, in Washington DC. Oddly, this speech is about 15 minutes long and contains some of the most challenging and poignant statements I have ever heard from anyone, let alone a man leading a large group of people in a fight for racial equality. The words he spoke, the challenges he offered up, would still serve as a challenge today for many that would fight a fight of injustice.

Again, the text of the speech follows the video:

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself in exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I am not a black man. I am a man of color, but not in the traditional sense of a minority that has been wronged because of my heritage. However, I can still say thank you to a man that defined the premier method of fighting the good fight. Because of Dr. King many minorities has been afforded the right and freedom of equality. Our country owes a great debt to Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.

17Nov/082

Just your typical Manday, erm, Sunday

I'm not sure if I was lucky or unlucky today, but I can say that I had fun regardless of my fortune. A few weeks ago my wife had me pickup a work table for her. Well, it was really a solid core that had four 4 X 4 posts attached to it as legs. She really wants to add counter space to our kitchen and felt this was a good way to do it. The only thing was the table was about nine inches too wide.

A wide table is a useless table. It had to be shortened and the only way to do that was to run it through the table saw. Which is not really a difficult thing to do. When your saw is set up. But mine was still in the box it came in. Which meant I got to become Bob the Builder for a time.

The nice thing is that the assembly of this saw was not rocket science. It did take some time, but it wasn't hard to do. In fact it was easy enough that I was able to set it up almost completely before we had to take a small break and head out for a little while.

See, three of my daughters were performing in a recital. So we had to head to Hayward in the middle of the day so they could awe the throngs of parents (all 10 of us) with their magical fingers and playing prowess. A nice little surprise in the midst of all this was that my daughter Alaynah was on the performance list. I had no idea she would be singing. And it was awesome.

The kids did great, the parents had fun, and after a little bit of snacking and mingling it was time to head home so I could get back to work on the saw. It didn't take long to get the saw completed. I wish I could say that for cutting the door.

The door, as I said, was a solid core door. It was heavy. And it didn't want to be cut. At least not by some small little table like the one I have. Don't get me wrong. My saw is fine for cutting smaller pieces of wood. But for solid core inch and half think doors, making a seven foot long cut is probably too much to ask it to do.

In the end though the saw won. It did what saws do and it cut that door. And I was able to assemble it and give my wife the counter space she has wanted for a long time now. Plus I was able to to play with power tools. Heck, I was able to even build the power tool I used. Throw in the fact that I was able to watch about three minutes of football and I'd say today was a pretty cool day.

And if nothing else I now have even more surface in my kitchen to stack crap that never gets cleaned.

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6Aug/083

Useful things I cannot do

I had a terrifying and horrifying realization this morning on my way to work: there are a lot of things a man should be able to do that I have never done. Scarier still, I have never even thought to do some of those things. This scared the hell out of me. The next thought that came to mind was that I had better set out to straightening this out before I never get around to doing it.

So I began to put together a list. And the list got bigger and bigger and bigger. And as of this writing it is now looking like:

Useful things I have never done

  • I have never shot a gun
  • I have never shot a bow
  • I have never lit a fire without an accelerant
  • I have never killed or skinned a hunted animal
  • I have never stayed out in the wilderness overnight
  • I have never tied something down that absolutely had to stay tied down
  • I have never caught a fish
  • I have never jumped a chasm
  • I have never dove into open water (lake, sea, whatever)
  • I have never built a house
  • I have never fixed a broken car, motorcycle or bicycle

As I began to think of all the things that I have never done but should have done by the time I was 16 I realized that my entire life as a man has been spent on other things outside of the necessities of a man's necessary knowledge. Men need to know how to do those things on my list of things not yet done.

That's right. As I looked on that list I began to assert my desires and intents as a man. I fully intend to do each and every one of those things on that list. Within the next two years.

And hopefully at the same time I will be able to test some other boundaries of mine as well. That was another thought that crept in as I was coming to these conclusions earlier this morning. I have almost completely lost the sense of boundary testing that all males seem to have. When was the last time I did something that scared the crap out of me and gave me the willies like never before? How about you, when was the last time you scared almost to the point of skinning out?

I long for that. I think. But I didn't realize it until today. I need an adventure. I need to test myself. And I sure as hell need to put myself in a position of handling those things on my list. I say I start with hunting and move from there.

29Jul/080

A man that a man can look up to

Today I had the blessing of getting a call from my friend Greg. Greg is a friend of mine through marriage. His wife Yolanda has been very good friends with my wife since they were in grade school so naturally when Sandi and I got married I inherited some of her friends. Namely, Greg and Yolanda.

Greg is, to put it in terms a guy might understand, a man among men. He has always been the image of what a man should be like to me. I probably should have tried to mimic him at some point in my life because I always get the impressions that Greg is constantly looking forward and always succeeding. He just knows how to be a man and he lives it everyday.

A few weeks ago I was able to spend some time with Greg and we had a wonderful talk. We talked about our marriages, our money, our work.. all the things guys talk about when they get together and talk over food. I was amazed to find out that Greg has had some struggles with stuff that have had a severe impact on him, his marriage and his family. He was actually a real person, not just a real man, for the first time since I have known him.

Truth be told I developed a whole new respect for him that day. He already had made changes within himself that have started to improve his situation. He is stepping out and helping friends of his. He is making decisions and taking care of business. I love how he is handling this situation. But, back to the point I was making when I started this post...

I got a call from Greg today and was very happy at how our conversation went. Greg knows about my realization that I have am in search of my manhood. He is aware that I am going through some stuff right now just he is and that he can reach out to me. That means more to me than I can put into words here. And as we wrapped up our phone call Greg something to me that I think every man needs to hear at least once in his life, if not once a day:

Set the bar so damn high that you cannot even see it. If you set it too low you are going to trip over it. If you set it to where you know you can reach it you are going to end up hitting your head on it and knocking yourself out. Set the bar to a point where you have no choice but to go after it then get to getting after it. If you don't set it outside of your reach how will you ever know how far you can reach?

Greg Dixon

Man to man Greg, I love you. I so needed to hear this today. Thanks for being my bud and thanks for being an example of a man that I can follow.

28Jul/080

Feeling the effects of cowardice and the economy

I have been going through a major transformation in my life the past few weeks. Most of this transformation has stemmed from the fact that a few weeks ago I came to a life shattering conclusion that I have been a coward for a very long time. Somewhere in my life I decided that it was more important to make people feel good than to do the right thing. And because of this decision I made, Lord knows when, my life has been a series of bad decisions based on someone's tears, fears, angst or discontent.

The effects of a cowardly man are far reaching. Everything that requires the strength of a man are shot to hell when a man refuses to be strong. And I believe things are designed to be that way. Men are made strong so we can use our strength. We are made aggressive so we can be aggressors. We are made to withstand because we need to withstand. It is in our makeup. Strength is not supposed to be something that looks good on a model or handles itself well under circumstance, strength is a meant to a be a lifestyle, a characteristic that is exuded daily by all men.

I have not lived that lifestyle. I have indeed allowed myself to be swayed by many different circumstances. And in so doing I have surrendered my position as a man, a leader and head of household to my wife. I have not only stripped myself of the authority and dominion inherent to me as a man but I have also placed my wife in a position where her identity as a woman is cloudy because of the things she has to do because I have chosen not to do them.

One area of long standing contention in my marriage has been finances. I am the sole provider of the house and have been for about five years or so. In the 13 years that Sandi and I have been married she has worked outside of the home for about five years with the remaining eight years being spread out over several periods in our marriage when we had new children or some other life event allowed/necessitated her be home with the kids.

Up until a few years ago I had managed the money in our home. I was diligent, relentless and incredibly passionate about making sure our bills were paid and our obligations met. I had the bank account balanced against my register every morning. I knew, to the penny, how much money I had available to my at any given point of any given day. I was on it.

Unfortunately at that time we did not make a whole lot of money so even though I had things firmly under control we did not really have a lifestyle. We had kids, a place to live, cars to drive and a little bit of food in the fridge. But that was about it. And Sandi felt like she was being locked out of the finances.

So in response to her feelings I decided to offer control of the finances to her. I am not one for two people handle the same task at the same time so I told her that she could have it if she was willing to take it all. She agreed and a few years back I gave her everything I had in relation to our finances. And you know what? For a couple of years she did a kick ass job of making sure everything was handled appropriately just as I had done. She also saw to it that there was money for other lifestyle type things so we were not always so stuffed on what we could do or when.

She even made sure our credit improved. From very early on in my adult life I seemed to do everything under the sun to make sure that my credit was craptastic. She actually improved our credit standing and in late 2005 we began taking on credit again. It was nice to be able to qualify for things that required good credit because had, for so long, been such a huge credit risk that we were either completely unable to do things based on credit or we paid a huge premium for doing things on credit. So I felt great about her handling the money and the success we were having.

In September of 2006 I changed jobs. I began to earn about 50% more than I was earning at my old job. We had lots more money and what appeared to be a growing lifestyle. And then things began to take a turn for the worse in our finances. We had amassed an enormous amount of debt. Things were not getting paid. We began to get calls from creditors. We began to not have money. This was about summer 2007.

Being faced with some troubling circumstances ahead I made a few decisions and didn't make a few others that led to an increased lack in my household. The long and short of it is that I ended up costing my family my retirement to get us out of hock in June 2007. The biggest bills were paid, some smaller ones were paid off completely. We put some money (about $6,000) into savings and put a little more (about $2,500) into savings for our children ($500 each for five kids). It felt good, but in a bad way. While the bills were paid and we had some savings immediately I knew that withdrawing $60,000 worth of my retirement would have a negative effect on our lives.

Spring forth to December 2007. Even though we had paid off almost all of our debt just six months earlier we were maxed out again. I had about $200 cash to spend on Christmas for my entire family, my wife and my kids. My credit cards were shut off or at their limits. Times were tough. Bills were not getting paid again. Calls were coming in again. The kids began to understand that Privacy Manager, or 1-800 Services on the phone meant that neither mom nor dad wanted to take that call. In January of this year I was faced with another decision to make.

I chose to borrow against my paid off car so I could pay down our American Express bill. Again. We paid a few others too but the AmEx bill has always been the one that has gotten us into trouble. And mind you we had burned through the $6,000 grand in savings (I was saving that for the tax bill on the retirement withdrawal that I knew was coming) and the kids savings had been wiped out too. We had nothing at our disposal except my car. So I had to do something. I hocked my car.

Now in the midst of all this I had made a firm decision in my head to take back control of the finances of our home. And each time I was completely swayed by my wife's tears and heartfelt sentiment that she could get things back under control if she just had a little more time. Plus she said that she didn't want to be kept out of the finances again and that when I was doing the money before I would just push her down and not listen to her. So again, I caved. Each time we hit rock bottom I would try to get us back up to a point and still let the situation run. I was scared of my wife's reaction and feelings.

Let's come back to here and now shall we? We are just about to move into August. The last time we paid anything to American Express, I come to find out, was April. Our truck payment is behind. Most of my cards are behind a month or more. Some have even gone all the way to collection agencies. I am getting multiple calls daily from various collectors that want to be paid. And, even though I was just told a few weeks ago that our car payments were up to date and that we are good, I also find out this past Saturday that we are overdrawn in our back account by $800.

"What? How could we be negative?" she says. "I was watching that."

This morning we are up to $1,000 negative in our account. If it gets any worse we will not be able to pay our rent. We are already not going to be able to buy groceries. Our utility bills are mounting because they are months behind and I have a truck payment that is about to get to 60 days late. How much longer should I wait to see if this thing gets better?

Granted things have gotten out of hand in terms of cost all over the place. The economy is crap right now thanks to fuel prices. The cost of gas is driving the cost of everything else up so things that we rely on daily are getting harder and harder to afford. But when it comes right down to it, how would that explain the condition of our expenses?

I blame myself. Sandi should never had been put into a position to handle this. It is my role as the leader of our household to take care of things like this. I have failed her, my family and myself. I have let this get out of control. That gets fixed now.

A man with no balls allows all sorts of mischief to take place right under his nose because he is too damned scared to make a change. Today, I take my balls back. This will be fixed.

13Apr/080

Should I feel the way I do?

Today something sort of weird happened and it got me thinking a lot. I try not to think too much since I am not very good at it and it usually leads to all sorts of unpredictable behavior both in me and those that I share my thoughts with.

While driving around with my family today I made a statement to the effect of "I like it most when singers sing as they talk, not trying to force out the song or making it higher pitched than it needs to be". What I was saying is that some singers sing in a way that it sound as though they are not trying to sing but instead are just speaking to a harmony.

This statement was enough to make my wife ask me the question: "That is called alto. So you don't like the way I sing?". My response to that question was: "What?!?!?!".

Seriously, I failed then (and still do) to see how I said anything at all about my wife's singing. Or any other person's singing for that matter. She told me since that I mentioned a preference of mine and her singing was not exactly in what I said I prefer that I must not like her singing. This confused me greatly.

What exacerbated the episode was that I was told that since I hurt her feelings with what I said that I should apologize for saying it. That confused me even more. Why would anyone ever have to apologize for an opinion.

I really do not like garbanzo beans. They are, in my opinion, seeds of Satan's garden. Does that mean that if you eat, like or cook food with garbanzo beans that I am somehow at odds with you or that I do not prefer you or the food you eat, like or cook? Uh, no.

My opinions are mine. Yours are yours. What you believe, feel or prefer has absolutely no bearing on me at all (unless I am missing something here) even if they are directed straight at me. Honestly, am I responsible for taking ownership of your thoughts, beliefs and/or feelings? No. I do not have to take anything that you tell me personally at all. What I choose to be offended by or hurt by is all on me, not you.

This being what it is, I must say that even though what I said was the fruit of my own opinions it still hurt my wife. And while I will not apologize for my opinions or feelings, I will say that I am sorry that what I said had the negative impact it did. The reality of it is that I cannot control anyone else's feelings. I can also not apologize for them.

But I can show sympathy for the feelings that someone might conjure up. That does not mean that I will feel responsible for making anyone feel that way or that I will feel guilty for the feelings that my own opinions may have caused someone. Like I said before, my opinions are mine and yours are yours.

I will not be hurt by your opinions. Or if I am, perhaps I need to take a look at my own attitudes to see why I would be hurt by a preference or opinion of yours. Or maybe I am being immature and stubborn.

Whatever the case, I will continue to believe that I feel the way I do because I choose to feel that way. You do not control me nor does anyone control me. If I am my own person with my own free will then it is that same free will that leads me to have the feelings, opinions, beliefs and preferences that I have. Same goes for everyone else.

So before I let myself get upset over something, I really need to ask myself is it the person, their attitude or me that is at the root of the feelings I am having? And since these feelings are mine (and my feelings are all mine), do I really need to feel this way at all?

5Apr/080

The great preteen hurricane of ’08

Be ye prepared for the wiles of the preteen festivities preceding the slumber of the upcoming night for there will be a great and violent roar of thunder that is the playful glee of girls on sugar.

Ok, so maybe it is not that dramatic, but the medieval party/sleepover for my daughter Sarah was pretty interesting. And loud. And fun.

It all started at 6:00 PM as I got home from Costco with all sorts of goodies for the medieval dinner we were having. Rotisserie chickens, bread by the loaf, apple tarts, plates, napkins, yadda yadda. As I walked into the house I was met by a small group of girls (my wife, daughters and a daughter's friend) wearing medieval dresses and screaming loudly.

The walls were covered in brick wall imprinted tarps and their was medieval music playing. It was also game time.

So as soon as I got home from a rather long day of work I was thrust into a rather long night of noise, food, junk, junk food, soda, screaming, noise, games, shouting, screaming, noise, motion, activity, noise, crying, playing and noise. And I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

My daughter absolutely enjoyed herself throughout the night, even though I hit the sack at about 11:30. The girls stayed up until almost 2:30 AM. And somehow were up earlier than I was this morning.

That seems so unfair.

But it did yield a rather peaceful morning of Wii, noise, screaming, crying, games, noise, playing, screaming, noise, food, soda, screaming and noise.

Until about noon. Then it got quiet. Then it hit me.

I was bushed.

So I went to sleep and woke up a little while ago. Had a chance to spend some quiet time with Sandi while the kids were powered down, then prepared for a meeting I am supposed to have in a few minutes with a new client.

Given the nature of the whirlwind that is a 12 year old girls sleepover birthday party I would say that the great preteen hurricane of '08 will be long remembered for the entirety of it's offering. Or the noise.

I can't think now of which will stick in my head longer. Happy birthday Sarah. I am glad you enjoyed it sweetheart.

18Feb/080

Jesus “Papi Chui” Corral

Yesterday evening, at around 7:30, the father of a good friend of our family past away. He was 75 years old and lived a life that I think was exemplified by the manner in which he was talked about.

Papi Chui had 5 daughters. He had one wife. He had the admiration of his family and friends. He was what every man wants to be.

I met Papi about a year before I actually met him. I met him through his daugher, Leti Hernandez and her husband Tom. They were business mentors to my wife and I and eventually turned in to our spiritual mentors in the early 90's.

I remember hearing Leti talk about her father and her childhood. I remember her talking about Papi being very disciplined financially, never doing on credit would could and should be done with cash. I remember hearing how Papi paid for five weddings for his five daughters and how he stayed devoted and committed to his wife. He was the type of man's man that most men want to model themselves after. And I felt like he was the type of guy I wanted to be just by hearing his daughter speak of him with such adoration and admiration in her voice.

As I look on my own life right now (as it is almost impossible not to at a time like this) I begin to think again that I want to have what Papi had in his life. I want my children to be totally enamored with me and talk to others about me with such admiration and adoration in their voices. I want to be married to the same woman I married the first, and last, time I got married. I want to be debt free, worry free and care free like he was. I want my funeral reception to be as packed as his, to the point were there were upward of 50 people that never made it in to the main ceremony room.

To Papi Chui, I thank you for the example you set for men to follow and for dealing with your family in a way that sets a higher standard for men than is normal. You will be missed.