Every good morning starts with a last night. And my last night was pretty awesome.
If you read about my yesterday you know that last night my wife and I had a date. We attended the wedding of a mutual friend of ours (without our kids even) and the subsequent reception. And we had a blast.
Sandi was a knock out last night, with the gray silver, white and black dress she wore and her black leather boots. She also wore some very complimentary jewelry and she did her make in that “Rooowwwr” kind of way. She was stunning.
We sat in the reception hall for a while as the wedding party took there pictures. I had a beer and a glass of wine, then moved quickly to my regimen of Coca Cola and waters. The wedding party seemed to take forever to finish up the pictures which meant that we had an unusually long time to wait for dinner. But that was offset nicely by our tablemates, the lovely Norma, Roda and Katie and Katie’s man Larry. We talked, laughed, drank, talked more then finally were able to watch the wedding party come in.
By the time the wedding party actually made it to the reception I was ready to eat the legs off my table. But I handled my hunger well and by the time 9:30 rolled around and we were able to eat dinner I ate up like a dog, going back for seconds and thirds from the wonderful buffet that was served. After filling up on all those calories it seemed only logical that we should work to burn those calories. Apparently the wedding planner thought the same thing and turned on the disco.
Dancing has never been one of my favorite things to do. But when you are a man paired up with a woman that looked as hot as my wife did last night then you dance. Plain and simple. And I danced. Unfortunately the evening was late all around because of the start time of the wedding - it was supposed to start at 6:30 but didn’t really start until around 7 - and the wedding party photos, so after just a little dancing it was just about time for us to head out. Which we did at about midnight.
Now comes my favorite part of the whole experience. We went to bed. Together. In the same bed. Isn’t that exciting? And the even better part? I got to woke up next my bride. How awesome is that. It was the best cap to a very good night.
I almost wish all weekends were like this one.
I am just about to head out the door to take my wife to a wedding of one of our mutual friends. And I am freaking excited as all get out because of it.
You should see her. She is stunning. She is wearing a dress and jewelry and make up… she is so womanly looking. I love it. And we are all by ourselves (hopefully for the night, but we’ll see how that goes). I so can’t wait to leave the house. This is going to be a blast.
We haven’t done this in such a long time. I hope I remember how. 
I am actually looking forward to dancing, drinking, singing and spending time with her. Lord knows we need it now more than ever before.
I have been going through a major transformation in my life the past few weeks. Most of this transformation has stemmed from the fact that a few weeks ago I came to a life shattering conclusion that I have been a coward for a very long time. Somewhere in my life I decided that it was more important to make people feel good than to do the right thing. And because of this decision I made, Lord knows when, my life has been a series of bad decisions based on someone’s tears, fears, angst or discontent.
The effects of a cowardly man are far reaching. Everything that requires the strength of a man are shot to hell when a man refuses to be strong. And I believe things are designed to be that way. Men are made strong so we can use our strength. We are made aggressive so we can be aggressors. We are made to withstand because we need to withstand. It is in our makeup. Strength is not supposed to be something that looks good on a model or handles itself well under circumstance, strength is a meant to a be a lifestyle, a characteristic that is exuded daily by all men.
I have not lived that lifestyle. I have indeed allowed myself to be swayed by many different circumstances. And in so doing I have surrendered my position as a man, a leader and head of household to my wife. I have not only stripped myself of the authority and dominion inherent to me as a man but I have also placed my wife in a position where her identity as a woman is cloudy because of the things she has to do because I have chosen not to do them.
One area of long standing contention in my marriage has been finances. I am the sole provider of the house and have been for about five years or so. In the 13 years that Sandi and I have been married she has worked outside of the home for about five years with the remaining eight years being spread out over several periods in our marriage when we had new children or some other life event allowed/necessitated her be home with the kids.
Up until a few years ago I had managed the money in our home. I was diligent, relentless and incredibly passionate about making sure our bills were paid and our obligations met. I had the bank account balanced against my register every morning. I knew, to the penny, how much money I had available to my at any given point of any given day. I was on it.
Unfortunately at that time we did not make a whole lot of money so even though I had things firmly under control we did not really have a lifestyle. We had kids, a place to live, cars to drive and a little bit of food in the fridge. But that was about it. And Sandi felt like she was being locked out of the finances.
So in response to her feelings I decided to offer control of the finances to her. I am not one for two people handle the same task at the same time so I told her that she could have it if she was willing to take it all. She agreed and a few years back I gave her everything I had in relation to our finances. And you know what? For a couple of years she did a kick ass job of making sure everything was handled appropriately just as I had done. She also saw to it that there was money for other lifestyle type things so we were not always so stuffed on what we could do or when.
She even made sure our credit improved. From very early on in my adult life I seemed to do everything under the sun to make sure that my credit was craptastic. She actually improved our credit standing and in late 2005 we began taking on credit again. It was nice to be able to qualify for things that required good credit because had, for so long, been such a huge credit risk that we were either completely unable to do things based on credit or we paid a huge premium for doing things on credit. So I felt great about her handling the money and the success we were having.
In September of 2006 I changed jobs. I began to earn about 50% more than I was earning at my old job. We had lots more money and what appeared to be a growing lifestyle. And then things began to take a turn for the worse in our finances. We had amassed an enormous amount of debt. Things were not getting paid. We began to get calls from creditors. We began to not have money. This was about summer 2007.
Being faced with some troubling circumstances ahead I made a few decisions and didn’t make a few others that led to an increased lack in my household. The long and short of it is that I ended up costing my family my retirement to get us out of hock in June 2007. The biggest bills were paid, some smaller ones were paid off completely. We put some money (about $6,000) into savings and put a little more (about $2,500) into savings for our children ($500 each for five kids). It felt good, but in a bad way. While the bills were paid and we had some savings immediately I knew that withdrawing $60,000 worth of my retirement would have a negative effect on our lives.
Spring forth to December 2007. Even though we had paid off almost all of our debt just six months earlier we were maxed out again. I had about $200 cash to spend on Christmas for my entire family, my wife and my kids. My credit cards were shut off or at their limits. Times were tough. Bills were not getting paid again. Calls were coming in again. The kids began to understand that Privacy Manager, or 1-800 Services on the phone meant that neither mom nor dad wanted to take that call. In January of this year I was faced with another decision to make.
I chose to borrow against my paid off car so I could pay down our American Express bill. Again. We paid a few others too but the AmEx bill has always been the one that has gotten us into trouble. And mind you we had burned through the $6,000 grand in savings (I was saving that for the tax bill on the retirement withdrawal that I knew was coming) and the kids savings had been wiped out too. We had nothing at our disposal except my car. So I had to do something. I hocked my car.
Now in the midst of all this I had made a firm decision in my head to take back control of the finances of our home. And each time I was completely swayed by my wife’s tears and heartfelt sentiment that she could get things back under control if she just had a little more time. Plus she said that she didn’t want to be kept out of the finances again and that when I was doing the money before I would just push her down and not listen to her. So again, I caved. Each time we hit rock bottom I would try to get us back up to a point and still let the situation run. I was scared of my wife’s reaction and feelings.
Let’s come back to here and now shall we? We are just about to move into August. The last time we paid anything to American Express, I come to find out, was April. Our truck payment is behind. Most of my cards are behind a month or more. Some have even gone all the way to collection agencies. I am getting multiple calls daily from various collectors that want to be paid. And, even though I was just told a few weeks ago that our car payments were up to date and that we are good, I also find out this past Saturday that we are overdrawn in our back account by $800.
“What? How could we be negative?” she says. “I was watching that.”
This morning we are up to $1,000 negative in our account. If it gets any worse we will not be able to pay our rent. We are already not going to be able to buy groceries. Our utility bills are mounting because they are months behind and I have a truck payment that is about to get to 60 days late. How much longer should I wait to see if this thing gets better?
Granted things have gotten out of hand in terms of cost all over the place. The economy is crap right now thanks to fuel prices. The cost of gas is driving the cost of everything else up so things that we rely on daily are getting harder and harder to afford. But when it comes right down to it, how would that explain the condition of our expenses?
I blame myself. Sandi should never had been put into a position to handle this. It is my role as the leader of our household to take care of things like this. I have failed her, my family and myself. I have let this get out of control. That gets fixed now.
A man with no balls allows all sorts of mischief to take place right under his nose because he is too damned scared to make a change. Today, I take my balls back. This will be fixed.
Editors note: This post is being posted from the future (August 8 to be exact) because I cannot manage to stay on top of things long enough to post my daily blogaries. I have all of the things that I intend to write about tucked away but for some reason I am not able to keep this thing pushed out every day. That said, forgive me. I will catch up.
Today was my birthday. I am 34 years old as of 5:XX this morning (I totally forgot what time I was born - it was a long time ago - sue me). Today was my day to celebrate me getting another year older, wiser, fatter, tireder and crankier. And I did that for the most part.
A few days my brother called me and asked if I wanted to hit up a baseball game with him. I thought that it would have been really nice to hit up a game with him since I have not done hardly anything with him for a long time. So I asked Sandi if there was anything planned for the day for me. She told me she thought the kids had something planned for the morning. I had already planned an afternoon out with Sandi and I so that pretty much eradicated any chance of me getting brother time with my broski.
It ended up being not all that much of a day of things though. I ended up taking care of my own birthday breakfast (actually lunch because of the time of it). It consisted of leftovers from the previous few days because the kitchen was hellishly nasty and there wasn’t really food in the house to cook anyway. After a very late start to the morning I ended up getting the kids somewhat ready to be babysat by their auntie while Sandi and I went out to lunch and the movies.
Since we had just eaten breakfastlunch a few minutes earlier we didn’t go to lunch opting instead to hit up an earlier timeslot for “The Dark knight”. This movie kicked all kinds of ass. The action was awesome, Heath Ledger kicked crazy butt, Christian Bale kicked all kinds of butt… it was just a cool movie. And while I thought it could have ended about six times before it actually did, I think it ended up well anyway.
After the movie Sandi and I hit up Elephant Bar for dessert. And we talked. A lot. About a lot of different things. But mostly we talked about our identities and how we saw ourselves. I talked a little bit about my recent discovery of what a coward I have been and my quest for manhood that I should have started 20 years ago but am just getting around to now. We talked a little bit about her frustrations in life, in finance and in marriage and parenting. Overall it was kind of a downer conversation to have on a birthday celebration. But it was needed so it was all good.
Then something happened I did not expect. We talked more this evening. A lot more. It went back to our marriage and how much Sandi feels like she has no identity as a woman, as a wife or even as a person. She feels stymied. She feels like she doesn’t know anything and that nothing she has experienced means anything to anyone. She is listless and alone and stuck. I have felt that way before too, and I shared that with her.
What started out to be an evening of fun and fellowship with my family, in the end, turned out to be a pretty regular day. It had a late morning, me handling breakfast/lunch, me setting up the sitter, me deciding the movie, me deciding where to do dessert and me being spoken to on the couch. I can’t really complain about that. There are a lot of men that would have spent their birthdays without their kids, or single, or worse yet, working or in prison or something. So it wasn’t as bad as it might sound. It was just… regular.
At the end of the evening it was just another day. I got to go out on a date. That was nice. I got some dessert. That was nice. I got to spend time with my wife and kids. That was nice. And even though I am perfectly satisfied with how my day turned out I had wished it would have involved a little more of what it did have than it did. But who am I to ask for something on my birthday?
Every relationship is going to have its share of moments that do not make you smile. I know that most folks, when they are in a loving, intimate, close relationship, tend to look at the relationship as a grounds for all things good, happy and joyous. But I tend to think that too many people forget that people are people and they, or their personality perhaps, will invariably clash in some way with your personality. After all, we are only human, and that ultimately will lead to all sorts of issues when interacting on any level with others of our kind.
What brings this up is something I have taken note of recently. I have, over the course of my marriage, surrendered most of my masculinity and leadership to my wife. A lot of men do this, usually unknowingly and usually to the detriment of their manhood, marriage and self esteem. I saw recently, however, that I have allowed myself to be so driven by the feelings of others (including my wife, but not singularly by her) that I have shelved any issues I may take with criticism. I am not talking criticism of the type that can build you up and make you a better person. I am talking about the kind of criticism that can severely damage your own opinion of yourself and allow others to begin to believe the critical words being spoken over you.
I have allowed myself to be criticized without consequence for a long time now. It stood out in my head recently that almost everything I do at home gets met with some form of criticism. Whether it is my kids telling me I didn’t use proper sentence structure or my wife checking to make sure what I just taught the kids is right, there is very little encouragement or positive reinforcement offered in my home. I believe this has something to do with me not ever being a leader in my home and I am certain it needs to stop.
The reason I say it needs to stop is that no person should ever live under the moniker that they are inadequate in everything they do of a certain action. Constantly being criticized without cause (I know this is debatable, but give me some latitude here) makes people cower from their rightful, authoritative position and become little wimps. Yes men, you can easily become a wuss if you continue to allow yourself to be degraded. Women too. There is no place for constant baseless criticism.
If you are in a place where you are being constantly criticized, belittled, verbally attacked or anything that continues to daily wear at your self esteem I would ask that you take a step back and take stock of the value you have. Find one person that you know you mean the world to and talk to the person. Or begin writing (that helps me out a ton) or exercising or cooking or something that you know you have total control over and the very serious possibility of success in. Nobody’s words, no matter how critical or inspirational, have to be taken under your ownership. You are more than that. You have a value that far exceeds the negative value anyone can place on you.
To this end I want to say that it is pretty difficult to stand up for yourself when you are not used to doing it. And it might be awkward for those that would condemn you seeing as you have allowed it take place for a while. It may even appear to be confrontational. The truth is so what if it does. It if requires a fight, fight hard and fight to win. It is your right to not be burdened with someone’s overzealous attempts at degrading you. I am learning this right now.
No more will I allow myself to be devalued. No more will I stand idly by while be derided. No more will I let someone else tell me my value. I am more than that. And so are you.
I just woke up a few minutes ago. I had wildly disturbing dreams last night that, while not scary, were enough to wake me up with a 
on my face. As I woke up I realized that when I have trouble sleeping I love to roll over and cuddle with my wife. There is something about knowing she is there next to me that really supports who I am as a man. It is like having my support team, all wrapped up in that delicious package known as femininity, standing beside ready to stand shoulder to shoulder to take on whatever may come up.
Being alone sucks. Whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual loneliness it sucks. It is contrary to who we are as people because people are not meant to be alone. God Himself said this in Genesis 3:18:
And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
I think this holds true for women as well. Which is where I tend to think that most trouble in relationship stems from. Men, on the whole, are not nearly as much into the emotional aspect of relationship as women are. Women, on the other hand, are not nearly as much into the physical aspect of relationship that men are. What can and often does end up happening is men and women pursue and give of their own need and totally miss the mark of their spouse’s needs.
I am a perfect example of that. You can ask my wife on any day of the week if I am emotionally absent and she will loudly tell you yes. This is actually a huge area of discord for us because my wife is very needy (her words, not mine) emotionally and she expects a certain level of attentiveness from me and a certain amount of work in developing our emotional connection in our relationship.
Which probably explains why I sleep alone and have for more than five years. I have a strong longing for physical connection with my wife. I love to touch her. I love to feel her hair in my hands or the softness of her face in my neck. I love to rub her back and hold her hand. The few times she has done it I have loved when she sat in my lap. I love being physically close to my wife.
Unfortunately over time this has led to the outward appearance that I want my wife solely for the physical pleasure I can take from her. And while I love sex there is nothing quite like the nonsexual intimacy shared between a man and woman to make a man feel, well, manly. I love feeling like a “man and his bride”. It almost personifies the marriage relationship. But somewhere along the line this entire side of my feelings was lost in translation and now basically says “You sat next to me on the couch or you held my hand so that means you want to have sex with me right now.”.
Which I believe is what has led me to all the nights of owning both sides of my bed. I like to sleep close to my wife. If physical closeness is always related to sexual intentions then I would guess that leaves me as a wanton sexaholic that is using the bedroom as my breeding ground for sexual demands and deviance. All I want is some physical intimacy (not to be read as sex - I do want that too, but I am talking about intimacy without necessarily the act of sex). Actually, this is a need of mine, not a want. I need physical intimacy like my wife needs emotional intimacy.
So while she hungers I hunger. Together we are like two different ends of the same stick that are forever the same distance away from the center. It seems neither of us is able to bend much so I keep being emotionally absent, selfish and ungiving/uncaring while she keeps staying up to the wee hours of the morning and falling asleep on the couch.
Somewhere in this there is a lesson to learn. I have been trying to find that lesson the last five years. Hopefully soon I will figure it out so I can go about being married at home as much as I am in public. Man was not meant to be alone. Though at the moment I would bet that both my wife and I would tell you it feels like we were both destined to be.
Editor’s note: I know sometimes I write about some pretty stupid stuff here. And sometimes, like yesterday, I write about stuff that is a little personal. I hope I don’t give the impression that I am trying to air my dirty laundry in public. It is a pretty well know fact that all of about three people read this blog of mine and I am fairly confident that those three people either have had some experience with what I talk about when it comes to things like marriage or they simply don’t care what I write about. Either way, I am good with it. I find blogging to be wonderfully therapeutic and I know it is helping me get through a really tough time in my life.
Robert
Last night I had a good talk with my wife about our relationship and our feelings toward one another, toward our children and toward our God. While I have to say that most of the conversation was my wife telling me, in the form of “just some guy that is asking” how her marriage is holding up, I can say that I was able to get a lot of my chest. One thing, however, stuck out to me and I feel compelled to write about it.
One of the things that came up in our discussion was the topic of why my wife said yes to me when I proposed. The answer astonished me to a degree, though I am quite at peace with what was said. Essentially my wife told me that the reason she said yes to my proposal is because she didn’t know how to tell me no.
Regret is a terrible thing to live with, wouldn’t you say?
I know being married to me is no bed of roses. How could it be? After all, I am me and that in itself is enough to make anyone cringe. And I can say that I totally get her response to that. For the most part she has been miserable in our marriage since we got married. Scratch that, she has been miserable since we got back together in 1993 after breaking up for a few months.
But I can’t help but wonder how a person can stay married to someone they didn’t really want to marry and cannot find joy in being married to. My thought is divorce would be a much easier one-time miserable situation to live with than a lifetime of staring at your worst nightmare in the face. Wouldn’t it?
How crappy would it be to wake up every morning knowing that you are married to someone that you would much rather not be married to? Worse, what if every time you looked at that person you were reminded that for the last 13 years your life has been the worst it has ever been and it is all the fault of the person that you are sharing your life with?
So I asked these questions to my wife and her response was pretty simple. She is not a quitter. She would much rather be miserable in marriage than say that she gave up on it. Somehow trying to work through 13 years of a marriage in hell is redeeming when you can say that you stuck it out. I am not so sure.
Personally I am of the mindset that your marriage is what you make of it. You can make it crap or you can make it work. Regardless of what you want out of your marriage you are always at the helm of what your marriage experiences. You choose to say things, to do things, to feel things that have an impact on your relationship. I choose to make my marriage good or bad. So in effect, I have chosen to do things that have made my wife miserable in our marriage.
Sadly I am not at all aware in most cases of what I am doing or not doing that makes my wife miserable. In other cases I know that something I do has a negative impact on my wife but the thing that I do is a part of who I am as a person. No matter how hard I try to kill that part of me for her sake it always creeps back in and always has the same effect.
All of this leads me to the conclusion that looking back on 16 years of hell would almost certainly make a person want to stop the bleeding. How much misery can a person take? How long will a person choose to sustain their position in a relationship that reminds them of a 13 year (and counting) mistake they made? Wouldn’t it make more sense to count your losses and start afresh with half a chance at finding what you want in a person other than the bastard you are married to?
I hope I don’t come off as angry with this post. That is not the case at all. I am more than aware of how miserable my wife is in our marriage. I am in that same marriage with her. I see it and hear it every day. And as weird as it sounds, I really do want what’s best for my wife and children. I don’t want my wife to be miserable. I want her to have everything she expects to have in the man of her dreams. Hell, I want that sort of happiness too. So I am not mad to find out that I am not what my wife wants in a life partner. I just wish I could give her what she wants so she does not have to be miserable all the time.
WARNING: Some material in this post is directed squarely at married men and women and may be of an adult nature. If you find the topic of sex offensive or you are not in a position to read about matters of sex and relationships, please move on. And no, there will be no imagery in this post.
Last night on my drive home from work I found myself drifting off into sleepy land while at the wheel. This is not an unusual occurrence for me as I am usually exhausted and when the weather gets warmer, like it was yesterday, I find myself taking little cat naps during the last few minutes of my drive home. Last night was a little different though.
Given the heat of the day and the time of the day I was coming home I found myself dramatically more tired than normal. I felt my eyelids getting heavier and heavier and was awoken to the very fast correcting steer of me almost sideswiping another car at 75 MPH on the freeway. To combat this I decided to call my wife.
I explained that I was fading fast and asked her if she could make small talk with me to keep me awake for the remaining 20 minutes or so of my drive. She said she would and asked me what I wanted to talk about. I told her to talk about anything that would keep me awake. Her response?
“Sex sex sex sex sex.”
My response?
“Huh?”
“Well that’s all I’m good for to you is sex right?”
“Uh, yeah. I gotta go.”
I think I would have rather crashed and died right there than to hear that crap. Seriously, why in the hell would anyone say that to anyone? From a husband’s perspective you can surmise by that statement that she is feeling neglected, hurt, worthless and angry. Ok, I get that. From a man’s perspective… well, what do you do with that?
I have to admit I was pretty pissed off that I was told, yet again, that all I wanted my wife for was sex. Seems pretty stupid an idea to me to think that. I mean if that was the case, what use would I have for her if sex was never given? Why would any man invest anything into any woman if all he wanted from that woman was sex? It just seems categorically judgmental and unilaterally unfair.
But I suppose that marriage isn’t fair. I am sure I am not the first man to hear those words from his wife. I am sure my wife is not the first woman to feel as though her value stemmed only from her vagina because of some action(s) (or lack thereof) on the part of her husband. This has to be something that has been brought up before in some marriage somewhere.
And to that point I have to say that it would be easy for me as a husband to say that the only thing I am good for to her is a paycheck and house cleaning services. But I would never say that because quite honestly that is a pretty hurtful thing to say.
So I was mad, and more than just a little. And I got to thinking to myself “Do I really convey to my wife that all she is good for is sex? If so, how do I do that?”. Apparently the answer lies somewhere in my not pursuing her heart enough to make her know by my outward actions that I am interested in her heart more than her body. And by telling her that she is beautiful, pretty and wonderful when I have not told her that she is someone I want to get to know better I am telling her that my interest in her is completely of a physical nature.
That sucks.
Here’s a little note on men: we really like sex. We physically need sex. Regularly. No, not regularly like once a week. Like once every two days. That’s just a little heads up to what is coming up next.
Married men, as a whole, I think like sex with their wives. I think that men in general are really not that much about the physical appearance of their wives so much as they are interested in intimacy with them because of the love we have for our wives and the deeper sense of connection we seek with our wives. Men can be faithful to our wives with a strong, burning desire for our wives. Not all men are sexually ravenous creatures looking to devour a body for the sake of satisfying our sexual appetite. Sex, like that, is nothing more than masturbation with a partner. Men don’t want that.
Nor do men want to be chastised for a characteristic that is essentially within the core of their very make up. Men are built to want sex. We are built to appreciate and admire the beauty of our wives. Some men have screwed that up pretty bad by the way we have gotten attached to things like pornography or flirtatiousness. But I will stand fast to the position that married men who are in a regularly open, communicative and sexual relationship with their wives are not nearly as into looking for sexually gratifying items as men that are in relationships in which their need for sex is constantly being minimized or worse yet, devalued.
Women, as I am led to believe, have a need to be wanted, pursued, appreciated, admired and desired. That is awesome. I have all of those feelings for my wife on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. But somehow only the physical level is ever noticed. And that really gets on my nerves.
I am more than a penis with an incessant and insatiable urge for release. I am a man that desperately loves his wife and longs for intimacy on every level with her including sexual intimacy. Being told that all my wife is good for to me is sex is just flat out insulting. It deflates any desire I would have to want to pursue my wife and literally makes me draw back from her to protect my heart.
That said, I know there are actions that can be taken to prevent this from coming up again. As a man I know that I can make a stronger effort to get to my wife’s heart. I can not touch my wife when I want to tell her I love her. Sometimes that means not even leaning in for a kiss (no matter how bad I want one). Sometimes it means letting her beat the crap out of me emotionally and still sitting next to her on the couch and asking how she is doing without so much as putting a hand on her knee.
I could also try not watching TV when she is wanting to talk. Or I could be nicer to the kids when they do something that would normally anger me greatly. Or I could simply ask her if she needs anything when I get up to go to the kitchen. In essence, putting her needs above mine is a great way to let her know that she is more important to me than the physical desire I have for her.
And on that note, there are a few things that a woman can do to really open her man up. You could stop kicking your man’s butt over his sex drive. He has one. Get used to it. No it is not some superpowered hyperactive sex drive. Physiologically we need sexual release about once every two days. It is natural that we always want it. It is special that we want it with you (our wife). It is very easy, and all to common, for a man to seek this need to be met elsewhere where it is freely given rather than to continue to fight off an angry lioness who only throws your needs in your face.
Let your man be a man without condemning him for being a man. Men are sometimes sharp tongued. Sometimes we are rude. Sometimes we are rough in the way we handle situations. Again, we were built to be rough, rugged and dangerous. Women, well, they were built to be the softer side that attracts the rough edges of a man. Be soft. Let him want you. Let him pursue and let him catch you.
But no matter what you do and no matter who you are in the marriage, try not to use the other person’s natural needs against them in some manner of attack. That will only drive them farther away from you. Imagine, ladies, if your man told you one day that all you ever do is talk talk talk talk talk and if you would only take your clothes off and let him have you he would so totally want to talk to you and dig deeper into your emotions. Sounds almost belittling doesn’t it? Imagine if that was how you were approaching him about sex.
There is give and take on both sides of the relationship. My wife will be the first one to tell you I do all the taking and she does all the giving. That would explain a lot as to why this conversation came up to begin with. That needs to change. Either in action or perception, but it needs to change because it is terribly unhealthy to any marriage when one half of the relationship sees the other half as something that is only a draw on their resource. And I intend to change it. Lovingly if I can figure out how to do that. But I really never want to be told again that all my wife is good for to me is sex.
That just hurts.
A few weeks ago my wife was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a very lifestyle disturbing illness that is very difficult to diagnose and ever more difficult to treat. In a nutshell:
The defining symptoms of fibromyalgia are chronic, widespread pain and tenderness to light touch. Other symptoms can include moderate to severe fatigue, a heightened and painful response to gentle touch (allodynia), needle-like tingling of the skin, muscle aches, prolonged muscle spasms, weakness in the limbs, nerve pain, functional bowel disturbances, and chronic sleep disturbances. Sleep disturbances may be related to a phenomenon called alpha-delta sleep, a condition in which deep sleep (associated with delta waves) is frequently interrupted by bursts of alpha waves, which normally occur during wakefulness. Slow-wave sleep is often dramatically reduced.
Many patients experience cognitive dysfunction (known as “brain fog” or “fibrofog”), which may be characterized by impaired concentration, problems with short and long-term memory, short-term memory consolidation, genitourinary symptoms and interstitial cystitis, dermatological disorders, headaches, myoclonic twitches, and symptomatic hypoglycemia. Although fibromyalgia is classified based on the presence of chronic widespread pain, pain may also be localized in areas such as the shoulders, neck, low back, hips, or other areas. Many sufferers also experience varying degrees of facial pain and have high rates of comorbid temporomandibular joint disorder. Not all patients have all symptoms.
Wikipedia
At first I thought the doctor was spot on because my wife has exhibited many of those symptoms in the past eight months that she has been ill. There were a few inconsistencies with the diagnosis in my opinion, but for the most part all of the things that are encompassed by fibromyalgia were apparent in my wife’s lack of health for the last eight months.
Then a few days ago my wife found Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS, or CFS for short) and began to look closer at that. Now I have read about CFS. In fact, when my wife first got sick back in November I read I about CFS and thought that the symptoms seemed eerily similar to what she was experiencing. I even suggested it to my wife’s doctor in January and, as of about a month ago, the only thing related to it that was ever put in my wife’s chart was “fatigue”. Not CFS, just fatigue.
Looking closer as CFS you’ll find:
CFIDS is characterized by incapacitating fatigue (experienced as profound exhaustion and extremely poor stamina) and problems with concentration and short-term memory. It is also accompanied by flu-like symptoms such as pain in the joints and muscles, unrefreshing sleep, tender lymph nodes, sore throat and headache. A distinctive characteristic of the illness is post-exertional malaise, a worsening of symptoms following physical or mental exertion occurring within 12-48 hours of the exertion and requiring an extended recovery period.
…
Additional symptoms are reported by people with CFIDS (PWCs) such as word-finding difficulties, inability to comprehend/retain what is read, inability to calculate numbers and impairment of speech and/or reasoning. PWCs may also have visual disturbances (blurring, sensitivity to light, eye pain, need for frequent prescription changes); psychological problems (depression, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, personality changes, mood swings); chills and night sweats; shortness of breath; dizziness and balance problems; sensitivity to heat and/or cold; alcohol intolerance; irregular heartbeat; irritable bowel (abdominal pain, diarrhea, constipation, intestinal gas); low-grade fever or low body temperature; numbness, tingling and/or burning sensations in the face or extremities; dryness of the mouth and eyes (sicca syndrome); gynecological problems including PMS and endometriosis; chest pains; rashes; ringing in the ears (tinnitus); allergies and sensitivities to noise/sound, odors, chemicals and medications; weight changes without changes in diet; light-headedness; mental fogginess; fainting; muscle twitching; and seizures.
CFIDS Association of America
The more I look at CFS the more I think that this is where the problem lies. I think my wife has been stricken by this illness more than I am thinking fibromyalgia. Here is my thought process:
CFS and Fibromyalgia and how they stack up to my wife
| |
CFS |
Fibromyalgia |
My Wife |
| Data for this table gathered from CFIDS and Wikipedia |
| Incapacitating Fatigue |
X |
X |
X |
| Problems W/concentration & Short-term Memory |
X |
X |
X |
| Flu-like Symptoms |
X |
X |
X |
| Unrefreshing Sleep |
X |
X |
X |
| Tender Lymph Nodes |
X |
X |
X |
| Sore Throat |
X |
|
|
| Headache |
X |
X |
X |
| Post-exertional Malaise |
X |
|
X |
| Inability To Comprehend/retain What Is Read |
X |
|
X |
| Inability To Calculate Numbers |
X |
|
X |
| Impairment Of Speech And/or Reasoning |
X |
|
|
| Visual Disturbances |
X |
|
X |
| Depression |
X |
X |
X |
| Irritability |
X |
X |
X |
| Anxiety |
X |
X |
X |
| Panic Attacks |
X |
X |
X |
| Personality Changes |
X |
|
X |
| Mood Swings |
X |
|
X |
| Chills And Night Sweats |
X |
|
X |
| Shortness Of Breath |
X |
|
X |
| Dizziness And Balance Problems |
X |
X |
X |
| Sensitivity To Heat And/or Cold |
X |
|
|
| Alcohol Intolerance |
X |
|
|
| Irregular Heartbeat |
X |
|
X |
| Irritable Bowel |
X |
X |
X |
| Low-grade Fever Or Low Body Temperature |
X |
|
X |
| Numbness, Tingling And/or Burning Sensations In The Face Or Extremities |
X |
X |
|
| Dryness Of The Mouth And Eyes |
X |
|
X |
| Gynecological Problems Including PMS And Endometriosis |
X |
|
X |
| Chest Pains |
X |
|
|
| Rashes |
X |
|
|
| Ringing In The Ears |
X |
|
|
| Allergies |
X |
|
X |
| Sensitivities To Noise/sound, Odors, Chemicals And Medications |
X |
|
X |
| Weight Changes Without Changes In Diet |
X |
|
X |
| Light-headedness |
X |
|
X |
| Mental Fogginess |
X |
X |
X |
| Fainting |
X |
|
|
| Muscle Twitching |
X |
|
|
| Seizures |
X |
|
|
If you look closely you can see that many of the symptoms Sandi exhibits are found in CFS. And while the fibromyalgia camp still carries with it a heavy list of things that suck, Sandi is experiencing more of the CFS related issues than the fibromyalgia ones.
This leads me to think the doctors have misdiagnosed her. Which means they are treating something that is not what she has. Which means the chances of her improving her health are pretty much crap. Which means that our family is going to continue to go through hell daily until something can be done.
The most daunting thing about CFS, as I continue to study it, is the insanely long recovery period. It is one in which people with CFS may never actually fully recover. And in general that period is between two and five years. How badly does that suck to be the poor soul with CFS? Living, day in and day out like you have just gotten run over by a train and knowing that you are going to be run over again tomorrow as soon as you wake up, and then again the next day, and again the next, and so on. For years.
I really feel a great deal of sympathy for my wife right now because she is in a place that no one should ever have to be. Her life is very hard right now and as such, the lives of her family members are very hard right now. But praise God, there are people that are willing to help us and many have already helped us.
I am just trying to wade through the stuff that I have take care of now that my wife is, in effect, incapacitated. But that will be for tomorrow’s post I think, one in which I will call out for help from single parents that are trying to raise kids, take care of the house and take care of the bills.
That ought to be fun.
A few weeks ago I was toying with XML. I had a few minutes to spend teaching myself so I decided that I would use that to work on something that I desperately need to work on. XML.
And what better way to learn a little XML stuff that on the Amber Alert system? So I began my journey.
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